nothing positive about this post.

i am in the process of moving into my new apartment.

once upon a time i was dating a boy. he was a really nice boy and i liked him a lot. i never let people help me move because i feel like it is just too much exposure into my personal life- though i am severely organized, it just makes me feel too vulnerable. but anyway.. this particular time i did break down and allow boyfriend to help me. though he was skinny (like all the others...) he was strong and 4 hands made more sense than two. until...upon walking into my room he saw this:

(that picture is from today- but since that is only about 80% of my books, it was about that size at the time of this story).  to which he said "beckie, this is ridiculous. we have to get you one of those kindle things. no one needs this many books. books are so archaic."

needless to say, we broke up. i love my books- but i am suddenly painfully aware of just how heavy they are. but that will not stop me from owning them. 

my whole body aches and i am all the more keenly acquainted with just how much stuff i own. i can proudly and honestly say that i have not acquired much in the past couple of years- it is just still a lot of stuff. one day (when i have my own house and family) it will all come in handy. only real problem is that i have moved into an apartment that is identical to the one i was previously in- just this one has been maintained as a cesspool of filth. in every sense of the word. so all my stuff is sitting in its neatly organized stacks just waiting to be put into place. lucky me. yes...the clutter is killing me.

back to my bleach bucket i go. 

j'aime toujours l'été.

il est vrai.

again with all the fun, outdoorsy, freebie fun- how can you not love summer.

i go back to work next monday and school starts the monday after that. so this hiatus is just an overload of summer activities again.  the nature of the events tends to remain pretty linear- just different bands at the concerts, different trails, different places, etc.

tuesday was our ward closing social. we had jet skis, wake boarding, foods, games and some great swimming. it is hard to believe that summer is really coming to an end already. i have not been all that active in the ward this summer (just the ward- not church) but i have come to know some great people thoroughly enjoyed my time there. and this would include getting to know my summer tennis friend. i would just like to say that our domination this week was probably hardly deserved, but such a pleasure nonetheless.

bright eyes was fantastic. i met up with arthur and company to enjoy of evening of second hand mary jane (wanted to throw up) and conor oberst in his all of his ecentric, talented beauty.  the donwside of these concerts is that they bring out all sorts of trash. that is a very harsh and judgmental declaration but it is true. we saw so many teenagers bent over their bongs and just acting like idiots. so young and stupid. and worse- there were parents there doing the same thing with their little children (we literally saw toddlers). the smell and the thought of those poor kids' circumstances was nauseating.  luckily, i was with a great group of clean cut, fun and responsible people. none of us ever have or ever would have anything to do with that, so we did our best to just watch the show.

friday, i played sidekick on a one day st. george excursion with b. nothing like the last minute to get those little things like classes and housing situated.  we sang along to the world's most random playlists, talked about everything such a playlist could stir up, and laughed ourselves exhausted to the red rocks and back.

it is so pretty down there. i will always prefer my greenery and it was hotter than hades' armpit down there, but it is a beautiful area. we were just sad that we missed anna and t dawg. no worries kiddos- we will be seeing each other SOON!

i guess that planning on running a half marathon with people the weekend before graduation, spouse's birthdays and the last week of the semester is not the best idea...because no one was doing it anymore. so today i went for an epic trail run and then counteracted all of the calorie burning with another summer favorite:

and now i have to get back to packing and cleaning. so though it looks like all i am doing is having fun- it is busy. it is busyness that i create but it keeps me happy.

ps: i hate moving. i have done it quite a bit in the past few years and i really detest it.

i think that it is time for me to adopt a puppy.

it will come.

i do not know if it is just the warmer weather, or because school is almost over, or because selection sunday is tomorrow, or because my life is just awesome- but whatever the reason or combination of variables, i am happy.

balance is necessary to achieve happiness. my wise ty friend has reminded me, on more than one occasion, that i need to look at the bigger picture.  instead of becoming frustrated over the fact that i may not have a totally balanced life in the moment (what mid twenties, student really does), look at the little things that balance out and put them into perspective to see how in the end- my overall life will have been balanced.  

personal examples:

study hard now (chem, psych, numbers, definitions, homework, barf)-> great job later. 

date wisely now (jerks, weirdies, waste of timers, awkwardness) -> strong marriage later. 

life's trials now (see above and throw in a few flaming balls of fire) -> stronger everyday and a better companion, mother and friend for the lessons i learn.

exercise everyday (i currently can barely move my upper body due to soreness) -> longer, healthier life.

unfortunately, i am one that often times allows my impatience to overshadow even the blatant logic of those time consuming processes. so i have been trying to see the balance in the little things.

personal examples:

i miss my family (we are so spread out, living such different lives)-> we all make greater efforts to stay in touch and show love, creating an overall stronger unity in our family.

people disappoint us (directly or indirectly) -> the lord places amazing, compassionate friends in my life to remind me that not everyone is dishonest and selfish.

japan's natural disasters (need we say more)-> i look out the window at my safe little piece of home and just feel grateful.  

in retrospect, there are even smaller things that happen if i just take a moment to relax and realize.  my heavenly father finds countless ways to show his love for me, divinely outweighing the trials of life.  to be  little more specific, lately i had been allowing myself to be a big caught up in discouragement over other people's behavior.  i am flawed. so flawed. but basic morals and strong upbringing have taught me well enough to know that what other people were doing was tragically affecting their own and other's lives. but then one of my oldest friends comes out to visit me. he is one of the most christlike, compassionate and humble people that i know. my sisters call me to tell me that they love me.  the babies are talking and tell me all about their days. their innocent little minds just racing with what to share next. i talked to joely. i played like a child with my friends, our furnace got fixed, i ran 4 miles without ibuprofen, my scripture study has been all the more enthralling, the weather has been great.  noticing all of these little things and allowing myself to feel the joy that they bring, has allowed me to untangle myself from the discouragement that i was providing myself to feel based on other's actions.

sometimes the lord puts bumps and meanies in my world. but he throws in a whole lot of kindness, sunshine, family, and a couple of rude awakenings to remind me that i am not at the end yet and to just wait. i will see the balance one day.

i miss you.

there are some things that i miss right now.

1. my dad. he is so sweet to me. and check him out- he's cool too. but he is far away right now, eating citrus flavored bananas and being a medical assistant to my mama :)

2. my little sister. she loves arrested development (i miss that show too) with me, she sings songs to me, she asks me for advice, she snuggles with me, she gets annoyed with me, we used to do everything together.  but now we are in different states and i miss her.  thank goodness for gchat.

3. summer hikes/runs/bike rides. some people think that it is gross to sweat...but i kinda like it. it usually means that i am working hard. and even better when i am out in the summer sun (i also miss those girls because they got married last summer).

4. my churassco palta. (this picture does not do Pantruca's justice) I am willing to go non vegetarian every now and then for a bite of ricardo and margarita's amazing sandwiches. maybe i will go tomorrow.

5. my joely friend. someone else moved into his room. i have seen the kid twice. and bless his heart, i am sure he is great, but he is no half hippie, geology loving, bff like joely. nstant messaging and texting is always there and it is better than nothing, but i still miss my friend (and i miss our camping trips). he just informed me that reno is full of hippie people and that i would fit in well...road trip?

i guess i will just need to plan a visit home, fly to fiji, drive to reno and wait for the summer. and for now i suppose that i will enjoy the good friends that i do have here and the fact that i have a car and don't have to walk in the cold and that i do have modern technology to keep me in contact with my family and friends. 

it is a special time...

Everyone who knows me, also knows that I am somewhat of an obsessive exerciser.  This is for a few reasons.

1. It makes me so happy.

2. I am good at it (I enjoy things I am good at...such a small list).

3. My clothes fit better (obviously).

4. In case I end up on a deserted island and The Others chase me (it's real, ok?)

5. So I can eat as much as I want (and 98% of the time, I want to eat a lot).

6. I like to wear gym clothes (stretchy pants, t shirts and shorts? hell. yes.). 

7. It is my Me Time.

Due to this list of clearly very important and logical reasons, I usually work out 6 days a week. That includes weight training, cardio, yoga, circuits, etc. I just love exercise. People hate sitting at home watching tv with me because I will exercise the whole time, I cannot just sit still. And it just makes sense, it is good for you! It is great for you! I mean, really, you could wear those ugly Shape Up shoes to get a toned butt or you could just hit the pavement and enjoy the outdoors or a stair climber or anything and get the same results while benefiting your entire being.

Ugly Shoes 

or

It is a pretty obvious choice to me which is more attractive.

But the problem is that right now I am suffering from allowing myself to be in what I so begrudgingly call "My Plushy Months".  This repulsive period of time is about end of November until mid February. It happens every year. It is awful. I am not depressed, I am absolutely dispirited from being cold, wet, cold, gloomy, icky, and cold.

Additionally, there are vacations, holidays and a bagillion other reasons to not workout during those months. Not to mention it is just so gross outside. Plus with full time work and school, time really gets away from me. I know that I can make the time (I do 9 other months out of the year) but during these months I find myself opting for more sleepy sleep time instead. 

I just want to go back to this:

I am stuck in a fatty, gelatinous, lazy and icky mode and I must get myself out of it. But I really just wanna hide in my warm, comfy bed (oh and I have definitely not given up my treats...). Is that so bad?? Yes. Yes it is. Because I was so fed up with my pathetic self that I did workout these past three days. And I felt like I was carrying a 30lb weight on my butt and my arms were made of spaghetti noodles (yes, by that point I was depressed). 

Boo. Since when did metabolisms start slowing down so early in life? Since when did winter have to last ten million days?  Since when did I let anything stop me from working out?? I need help.

do you think...

in heaven (if i make it there) will i only crave healthy food all the time?

or will i just naturally have a perfect body no matter what?

or will mac&cheese be delicious but fat free?

or will i really be able to run and not be weary?

this just makes me happy.

I like to think that when life is perfect, cheese will not hurt your tummy, skittles and starbursts will be as nutritious as spinach, muscles will grow faster than kelp, stretch marks will fade faster than vacation suntans and my herb garden will never die.

Pottary Barn has the cutest herb terrariums.  think that if you spend $200 on one the chances of your plants survival increases?? 

it is all in my head.

It has been scientifically proven (I am kinda making that up, but pretty sure it is true) that there is a direct correlation between school (the actual place) and headaches (the kind that make you frustrated, impatient and hungry).  But I don't have time to be frustrated (see, the whole impatience thing). So I will just make sure to keep my lavender and peppermint oil on hand (it actually goes on your forehead and relieves headaches like magic), a prayer in my heart, some good tunes in the car (most of the time i prefer the silence as a nice change of pace) and a smile on my face.  Free time is slipping into the abyss of responsibility, but i will just

.

oh and luckily, I have a yoga class. and a new cupcake cookbook. and excel spreadsheets for my life. and sundays. and running. and sweet boys. and sully. thank god for sully.

bit of a problem...

i could eat a burger any day, any time (and pancakes, apples, bananas, popcorn, cheez its, cashews, etc...i like to eat, don't judge me).

so yeah. even though giving up steak, ribs, bacon, sushi, ham, turkey, etc is no problem, giving up the chance to eat a good, juicy burger (or even a cheap, fast, greasy one)... sucks. luckily lauren made these for me and they were awesommmmeee. seriously. men even scarffed em down. they were fabulous.  but still... no more cheeseburgers is breaking my heart (how ironic since the cholesterol break is probably saving it...).

but see, that looks pretty good. just a couple replacements.

beef - beans.

french fries - sweet potato fries.

table salt - sea salt.

*and i usually switch out the bun for lettuce or a tortilla.

and supposedly that is way healthier. if staying healthy and maintaining a good body is hard at 25, i dread 35...but might as well start the habits asap.

busy bee.

Thursdays have become the busiest day of my week. Perhaps it is to catch up on things that I have put off during the week, or perhaps it is in attempt to get ahead so that I may enjoy my weekend as much as possible. Regardless, Thursdays are go, go, go!

For example, today:

Wake up early (sore), work (rotten moods today for some reason), temple (finally some peace, but still busy), dinner (veggies. hooray for diets), a bagillion errands (nothing makes me as ornery as the post office… ), laundry (i had no idea i use so many clothes), pack (st. george!), gym (I am still sore…),read (only 45 pages left), movie night (I plan on passing out).

holy. pooh.

And that is just the BASIC schedule for the day. This does not include all the little things, the driving time, the showers,  breathing, etc. (etc being: the internal whining that will happen on the treadmill, the swearing in my head when the people are shootin’ the breeze at the bank, the first batch of veggies I will burn, bleh).

But, while this is today, tomorrow will be SO much better! (and yes, I am aware that things could be much worse than a busy day…besides I actually kinda like ‘em??) 

So tomorrow: I am mini road tripping to St. George with my Lilikins and Whitney (no men, this is a first for me).

We will be bronzed, little running girls and I will be experiencing Zion’s for my first time.

I think that a little PTO, running in the red rocks, and playing with the ladies is just what the doctor would order…if I believed in going to doctors. 

tmi.

i am a girl. and i have a period every month. it is a killer. it sucks and i hate it. 

several doctor appointments have shown that it is not serious enough for surgery, but that in order to deal with the pain I can either:

Option 1:  start birth control or testosterone.

Option 2: grin and bear it.

I have gone with option 2. 

This is the first time that I have been taking the pain killers at night, and WOW. do they send me on a trip. i am a mess. I wake up pain free, but completely disoriented. the other morning i woke up in my bed with no idea how i got there (i now know that boy was kind enough to put me there). wednesday night i woke up at 4 AM and could not go back to sleep. and this morning i woke up in my winter coat (??)...

pioneer women had their periods without medicine...why can't i? oh...because I will be a beast and everyone will fear and hate me... 

woof.

eavesdropping at the gym... (it's a bit of a rant)

and this is why girls get a bad rap.

I was panting, my shirt was no longer a light pink, it was practically magenta with perspiration (more likely because it was hotter than Hades in there and I am out of shape, not because I am hardcore) and I was waiting in line to get a drink at the gym. While waiting, I listened to some whiney girls talking to each other in front of me. Their conversation went as follows:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

girl 1: let's go work out, we can like ride the elliptical or something, that's hard.

girl 2: ew, I don't want to get sweaty!

girl 1: well why are you here?

girl 2 (in hushed tones and look of shame): because I ate a doughnut at work today...

girl 1: oh... well maybe you should run?

girl 2: but I just said I don't want to get sweaty! I will ruin my makeup and I just washed my hair!

girl 1: ok, well let's walk on the treadmill, talk that guy over there (points to the guy lifting dumbells the size of my whole body) and go get Jamba.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was rolling my eyes so hard I almost got a migraine. You have no idea just how accurate that was... minus the stupid looks on their faces.

1. why were they wearing makeup in the first place? and who takes a shower right before they go work out?  (well I guess she wasn't really going to...)

2. why would you want to go talk to the guy that makes ridiculous, orgasmic like sounds and thinks that it's cool to wear Ed Hardy to the gym?? (or EH at all...)

3. why do these girls go to the gym at all, making the rest of us who try, look bad and wasting space and stealing my treadmills?!  (ok so that's why I am really mad...)

4. and A DOUGHNUT?! Are you freaking kidding me?  Someone call J.Craig!  We've got a fatty! (and everyone knows that a Jamba smoothie has a bagillion calories anyway. But what a good friend, telling her to run off all those fat calories...I mean, she could have told her to just throw up.)

and lastly, did I mention that these girls were barely 120 lbs?  Most of which was on their faces in makeup. 

ok, this was a bit melodramatic and judgmental. But I am frustrated. I find the greater population of my sex so ridiculous.  I suppose this would explain why I have so few female friends...

what happens when...

What happens when you skip institute to watch a basketball game?

You decide to get a slurpee. The slurpee machine will be out of commission. But you will get another flavor.

Then you will be waiting behind a ginormous truck to leave the gas station.

He will then decide to reverse (?????) and not hear you honking and screaming.

He will hit your car.

You will exchange information, fight back tears, get a big tummy ache, learn some Spanish from the non English speaking truck man and leave.

You will become all too aware of how much you depend on and need your daddy and your mouth will hurt all night because the sound of the car crash reminds you of the first car crash you were ever in....

You will then witness the a most piss poor display of a game and the Jazz will suffer a devastating loss.

So...let's all go to institute.

And pay your tithing... because there will be hidden blessings in the trauma:

Sally's front end was broken anyway, now she gets a new one at no cost to her mama. And two nice boys will pull over to comfort you and take care of all the details for you. 

is it just me??

At one point in my life I was in pretty good cardiovascular shape and I really enjoyed running. I loved the high that I got from it. You can refer to my friend Brooke's post on why running is so wonderful.

As of right now, Lily and I are registering to do the Run for Red in March.  

Right now I have been in "training" haha. How pathetic is that. I have to train for 3.2 miles.... yikes. But as of right now I am completing the full distance in about 26-27 minutes and to be honest, it sucks. My shins hurt and my lungs burn. PATHETIC. So the goal: Complete in 00:24:30. Now for some reason, that first mile is KILLER. It is awful!  But once I hit that mark, i am good for quite a while. Is it just me?!  Why is 1 mile so difficult but 3 totally ok!?  Thanks to the wonderful trainers at Gold's, the lifting is coming along and I am getting back in shape slowly but surely. I will be ready to do a triathlon by the summer. I promise. 

In effort to be as dedicated to this new lifestyle as possible: as of 02/06/2010: I have CUT OUT SUGAR. wowwwww.  I am a huge candy/sweets addict. I never was before Baby, but ever since, I have not been able to stop. And it goes straight to my butt. However, now that I am running again, I will have my runner's butt back and I will not need the sugar high because I will get that from the endorphins. "exercise gives you endorphins. Endoprhins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands. They just don't." 

wonderful wednesday.

So this is how I currently feel... trust me, this is a vast improvement from how I felt at 6 AM. (and yes, I am aware that i have a very large head)

Today is Wonderful Wednesday. So far, not so wonderful. Oh but it will be. 

* taxes- DONE

* leaving work early

* an afternoon workout

*Plans tonight: Sushi and Jazz game with Jordy beans! (could I really have a better evening?!)

But my reason for this random post is to give you a little advice: you see after yesterday's post about how Wednesdays are always great...I woke up today thinking that it would just happen, by default. FAIL. It has required a lot of work so far... so perhaps my theory on what qualifies a day as being "good" is flawed... 

But in effort to improve my day, I thought of things to smile/laugh about:

* half the men in my office are wearing pink or purple...they look gay.

* I am wearing running socks... with dress shoes...but no one knows.

* I ate Ramen, for the first time in years maybe, i liked it.

* an old man farted in the stairwell...but it was one of those little, funny toots.

*the color of my nail polish looks like sand...

*my boss told me that he used to be fat

and the winner:

I broke the fax machine.

terrible tuesdays.

Tuesdays are terrible, downright awful. I know that sounds like such a negative thing to say, but really, think about it.  Sure you can get a "case of the Mondays" but sometimes it is really nice to know that it is the beginning of a brand new week! And it is family night- in Provo that means that you are required to go play with a bunch of people your age and everything is 1/2 off. Wednesday is hump day, it is always a relief and for me, that is my temple day. Win. Thursday is lazy day.  Everyone knows that it is almost Friday and so they are so much more laid back and if anything goes wrong everyone just says "well at least tomorrow is Friday".  And Fridays...well god bless Fridays. Casual clothes, new movies, end of the week, date night, paydays, they hold so much potential.

So what do Tuesdays have?!  I have been calling them Terrible Tuesdays for quite some time (I do blame Jordan, ever since he pointed this out, it has been true!). But it is time for a change!  This is going to be a fantastic year gosh darn it [insert forced, medicated smile here...jk], I can't afford to have a bad day EVERY week!  So, ways to make Tuesday better, perhaps even terrific (but don't get too outta hand...it's still 4 days til the weekend):

• say an extra long morning prayer- stay awake for the whole thing
• sing "Downtown" with Petula Clark in the shower as LOUD as you can (ok not with Petula...)
• wear extra cute, sexy panties (it's like a special secret, sorry if that is too risque to share, mama)
• eat Barnum animal cookies (not the stale Stauffers kind, the real ones)
• get as much done as you physically can
• take a half hour nap (I normally take comatosis naps...this one is hard but worth it)
• take out the recycling- every little bit helps!
• go to the gym
• stay extra for yoga (breathe correctly, makes a WORLD of difference)
• Namaste.

How is This Logical.

Why is it that I am the smallest person in almost every environment I am in....but I always have "to be the bigger person"?????

meeehhh poo.

That is all.