spoke too soon...

the world decided to remind me that i forgot to knock on wood yesterday as i was relishing in all my blessings and awesome life. because i woke up late and as i was stuffing all my things into my bag and running out the door, i remembered to grab breakfast and feed sully...

sully was dead.

floating. gray. dead.

i know that it sounds a bit melodramatic to be saddened over the loss of a $2 fish, but he was more than that. we almost had a full year together.  he survived a lot of my carelessness, babysitters, soapy rocks, etc.  he was a great fish to have. sully was the best and one of the longest relationships that i have ever had. he never cheated, he never lied, he just swam around and was happy. and now it is over. when i first got him, ang and i sat at the kitchen table just watching him for really pathetically extended amounts of time. but he made me smile.  again, i know- he is just a fish. but it was nice to have some sort of life with me for more than a semester at a time.

luckily for my broken little pet owner heart, kenny was there to make it better (his 13 year old puppy just died last week- tragic...really...it made me feel bad for being so sad over a fish. but what's mine is mine). we took a nice, long, evening walk to the river where we let sully out to find his final resting place. breakfast will be lonely without him.  but ode to sully, such a great fishy. he will be missed.

Being married is so risky these days.

This breaks my heart. When I first heard this song, I liked it. But then I listened to the words and it made me ill. People often ask why I am afraid to get married...well this is one of the biggest reasons. People listen to the lyrics of this song and feel bad for the girl...the girl that is having an affair with a married man. In almost every novel, every TV show, every movie... at one point there is infidelity. And the media makes this acceptable. I have seen the destruction and pain that adultery causes and it is truly frightening. And I used to just think that I had to worry about men cheating... lately I have come to realize that it isn't just the men that I need to be concerned about. Women are home wrecking left and right too. This is not good...

I suppose that I will just keep waiting around for this man. Oh Jake Ryan, you'd never let me down.

My Quarter Life Crisis

As you can clearly gather from the title of this little rant here, I am currently at the darkest depth of my "Quarter Life Crisis".

Remember when you were a kid and your only real responsibilities were to eat your vegetables, wash your hands, not bite your siblings and to not sit too close to the TV? Other than those and few other daunting tasks, life was rather manageable. I spent my days playing outside, building forts, looking for bugs, watching Full House after a home cooked dinners, listening to my mom read books to me and falling asleep exhausted from my adventures, bronzed from the sunny day, and full from my mama's cooking.

I still have a great life. But things just aren't as simplistic as they once were. As I have aged, reading books has become homework, cooking is now a chore that I perform miserably, TV shows are mind wasting, "bronzed" means cancer and bugs are gross. I wake up, I work out because I can no longer eat whatever I want and remain skinny, I go to work because everything in my life is not paid for and I come home to an empty house and I live for my days off so I can read a book for pleasure, do laundry, clean my room and run errands.

And if I do not make some changes...that could be my life...forever. What a repulsive thought.

(I would just like to add in my moment of morose thinking: I am grateful to have food, to be able to read to have a job and to not be coming home to a cat.)

So what are my options?

1. I cannot go back to being a child, as hard as I often try...so I could continue my futile attempts to bring that stage of carefree living and untarnished ways of thinking back and be completely happy while also completely undoing any maturing that I have ever done...or I could just accept the fact that I am now an adult. Acceptance is a vital component in recovery.

2. I could be lazy and stay exactly where I am. But I would be comfortable. No over exerting myself, no instability, no real commitments.

3. Grow up, be an adult, make commitments, keep them and be serious.


Mehhhh!!!