lightness.

Lately I have been stressed. And I mean physically, emotionally, spiritually- every possible way. As some people know, Hillary and I have been considering moving to Arizona in for quite some time. This has been an idea that we have dabbled in since September or so. Both of our contracts will be ending in August, school will just be starting up at the end of the month in AZ, it is warm, there are so many great members down there and it would be such an adventure. The real question was just “why not?!”.  It would be rather caprice and stressful at some points, but how nice would it be to start fresh in such a macrocosm of the unknown and the new?

Well as past experience has taught me, I cannot be a fence sitter. The Lord will not answer me. I have to decide to decide and then He will tell me if my decision is right or not (whether I take heed or not is a completely different ordeal).  So finally, after it came up again, I decided. Yes. I will move to AZ. I will not renew my contract, I will not go to spring semester and I will request a job transfer.  I began to search for housing, I talked to some friends that live there now and I even told some people that this was what I was going to do.

But then I started to feel sick. It made my stomach hurt to even consider the option anymore. But I just thought, “stop being a baby Beckie. You’re grown. Make a move.” But I could not shake this feeling. I continued to go with the process of preparing for the relocation and I stayed firm in my initial decision. Then at about 2 AM last night, while sitting in my kitchen with A, I said “this is wrong. The Lord is telling me not go. I don’t know why, but I should not go.” It was the first time I had vocalized the contrary option and immediately I was washed over with peace.

Andy left and true to my modus operandi, I went to my laptop and drew up a spreadsheet-pros, cons, possible rewards and possible failures. Statistically speaking (according to my very neat, color coded Excel spreadsheet) I should have been in AZ a million years ago. So a new frustration settled in. “Well if this is so great, then why on earth are You telling me NOT go?!”. I fell asleep troubled, frustrated, anxious and confused.

But then: TENDER MERCY!

I have been focusing my supplemental scripture study on Neal A. Maxwell’s “Even As I Am” (excellent book. Elder Maxwell is amazing). But this morning, after 4 hours of tormented sleep, I felt prompted to listen to a conference talk. Without even thinking, my mouse went straight to Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from the priesthood session titled “Continue in Patience”.

Some of my favorite parts (though his whole talk was wonderful):

“…without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.”

“…patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can- working, hoping and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

So right now, I have NO idea why I am staying in Provo. I have NO clue as to what could possibly be here for me that it is so important. I am NOT happy about it. But I DO know that it is what the Lord wants for me and though I do not have the answers right now, they will come ( just writing that provides me with insurmountable solace).  Though unanswered questions are burdensome, especially to someone like me that always needs logical answers, I feel light.  Perhaps this is growth. All I know is that for the first time in several months, I feel a huge weight lifted and it is wonderful.